January often sees twice as many couples begin divorce proceedings as any other time of the year. Experts claim factors ranging from the stress of family gatherings at Christmas, unwise candour encouraged by excessive alcohol intake and even office parties can prove the final straw for many married couples.
So how can we keep our relationship on track and out of the lawyer’s office?
From a psychological perspective, love within relationships can be understood as having three components; Intimacy, Passion and Commitment.
Intimacy is about feelings of closeness and connectedness within a relationship.
Passion relates to drives that lead to romance, physical attraction and sexual consummation.
Commitment, in the short term, refers to the decision that one loves someone else and in the longer term, the commitment to maintain that love.
The amount of love a person experiences will be determined by the absolute strength of these three components and their strengths relative to each other.
The worst enemy of the intimacy component is stagnation. Though it may be good to have some predictability in a relationship it seems too much of a ‘known’ thing can be a turn off.
Passion is probably the most difficult component to sustain as a recent study shows that 67% of respondents found their partner’s quirks which were once considered endearing became a major annoyance when their relationship hit the 3 year mark.
Commitment is the component in which intervention is easier because it is most subject to conscious control. To maintain commitment in a relationship is to maintain the importance of that relationship in a couple’s life and maximise the happiness achieved through the relationship – no mean feat!
So, that being said – here are some key areas of a relationship which might benefit from attention as we enter 2015:
Communicate. Honest, direct communication is a key part of all relationships. Many couples and individuals who contact me say that communication breakdown is one of the main reasons they’ve decided to seek counselling. When both people feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears and desires, trust and bonds are strengthened. Critical to communication are nonverbal cues-body language like eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm When people stop communicating well, they stop relating well, and times of change or stress can really bring about a disconnect between partners. As long as you are communicating, working through problems can be easier.
Getting through conflict. Some couples talk things out quietly, while others raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key in a strong relationship is not to be fearful of conflict. You need to be safe to express things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation or insisting on being right
Keep outside relationship and interests alive. No one person can meet all of our needs, and expecting too much from someone can put a lot of unhealthy pressure on a relationship. Having friends and outside interests not only strengthens your social network, but brings new insights and stimulation to the relationship, too.
Staying involved with each other. Staying involved and interested in each other is very important as some relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence without truly relating to each other. Take time out together away from family and friends. Find something you enjoy doing together and better still -try something new – spice it up a bit – have fun!
Morency Therapy is a team of experienced psychologists and psychotherapists based in Alvechurch specialising in short and long-term counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy and psychotherapy for a range of issues. Clinical Director Julie Hannan can be contacted on 07530 854530 or via the website at www.morency.co.uk.