So, what is narcissism?
Welcome to Narcissistic’s Anonymous. Now, before we get started, let’s talk about me for a while…
Generally speaking narcissistic behaviours include vanity, a desire for attention, fame or status and arrogance. This blog considers narcissistic traits, how they may have developed and the support an individual and their loved ones may benefit from. The word narcissism originates from the Greek myth of ‘Narcissus’. Narcissus was proud and disdainful. When he came across his own reflection he fell in love. Being unable to leave the beautiful image he stared at it until he died.
When does narcissism become a problem?
For the most part people are not curious except about themselves.
John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
Narcissism, like all personality traits, is on a spectrum. On one end are the people who rarely exhibit such behaviours and on the other are those whose traits are longstanding and extreme, who may receive a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Other people may not meet the criteria for NPD but still have significant difficulties. Signs to look out for include:
- Entitlement and a belief of personal superiority
- Behaviours which maintain the attention and / or admiration of others
- Difficulty talking about feelings
- An apparent lack of empathy
- Superficial relationships which maintain their self-esteem
- Always ‘being right’
- A focus on achievements (e.g. academic, sporting or professional status). High achievers may gain begrudging respect and quick disdain at first ‘failure’
- Mistrust
- Difficulties handling criticism and criticism of others
Where does narcissism come from?
From a psychological perspective, narcissism may come from one of two broad childhood experiences. Firstly, the individual may have been extremely spoilt and frequently told how unique they were. High standards may also have been present. These children may grow up to truly believe their own superiority.
Alternatively, and perhaps more frequently, are people who experienced neglect or abuse as children. These children struggle to learn skills in expressing emotions, empathy and effective relationships. Over time they may defend their fragile self-esteem by criticising others; building their own sense of importance until they believe their own self-portrayal.
Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm—but the harm does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.
T. S. Eliot, “The Cocktail Party” (1949)
I think I’m living with a narcissist, what can I do?
Such people can be incredibly difficult to live with and if possible, couples therapy could be highly beneficial. Due to their sense of superiority and perhaps an underlying low self-worth, people with narcissistic traits rarely seek help. However, therapy may help you consider the following ideas:
- What works and does not work in the relationship
- Your own experiences of love, relationships and attraction to the individual
- The impact of the relationship on your life including your own self-esteem, anxiety or mood
- Strategies for interacting with the narcissistic individual to preserve your own confidence and sense of empowerment