Relationship counselling: does your relationship need a refresh?

Relationship counselling: does your relationship need a refresh?

Relationship difficulties

Most people spend a large proportion of their lives in the company of another single individual. While this may seem idyllic, comforting and enjoyable at times, for most people there are also times of frustration and uncertainty. Common difficulties in marriages and long-term relationships include:

  • A desire for greater independence
  • A lack of intimacy
  • A lack of support of undermining of self-esteem from a partner
  • A lack of trust
  • Infidelity
  • Abuse: physical, sexual or emotional
  • Feeling controlled
  • Poor communication

 

Relationship counselling

One difficulty with resolving relationship problems is that they are almost always inter-relational, meaning that both parties have vulnerabilities which are triggered by the other persons behaviours. Strong, intense emotions are usually also involved as are behaviours that have existed for so long they have become habitual. For example, a man might not trust his wife because of her previous infidelity, this causes him to attempt to control her, which in turn affects her self-esteem. Throughout this, neither husband nor wife feel able to communicate their feelings or fears. To fully understand the nature of these difficulties it is often helpful for couples to seek counselling together. This will enable a counsellor to understand the relationship from both perspectives and untangle the web of inter-related factors.

Some couples may not agree to counselling until separation is already on their minds, however, relationship counselling is often most effective when couples access it soon after noticing a problem. This gives the counselling, and the relationship, the highest chance of success.

If one or both partners are unsure about the strength of the relationship and are considering ending it, therapy may also help both partners to end the relationship in as kind, thoughtful and least distressing way possible. This process is sometimes called ‘conscious uncoupling’.

I want to attend counselling, but my partner won’t. What should I do?

Sometimes, attending counselling together is not possible. One person within the relationship may be unsure of how helpful counselling may be, entirely blame their partner for the problems in the relationship or be unwilling to work on the relationship. In these instances, it is often helpful for you, the willing individual, to seek therapy alone. Therapy alone may still help you to resolve the problems in the relationship. Alternatively, over time your partner may be willing to join the therapy sessions or therapy may help you to consider if the relationship is the right thing for you.

What might counselling help me with?

The therapy you engage in will differ depending on the problems you and your partner are having and on whether you attend alone or together. Therapy may help you to:

  • Regain intimacy
  • Communicate more effectively
  • Trust each other
  • Get to know each other better
  • Discuss how you like to receive support from one another
  • Discuss your dreams for the future
  • Voice your fears about the relationship
  • ‘Consciously uncouple’