Our adult relationships are based on patterns that we bring with us from childhood. This can mean that we can behave – and unconsciously invite our partners to behave – in ways that reinforce and replicate our beliefs about relationships. For example, a child that was relied heavily upon by her parents may grow up with a pull towards a dependent partner. Equally, an abused child may grow up and enter relationships where abuse is likely.
Many adults have more than one intimate relationship during their lives. The end of one significant relationship can be an excellent opportunity to develop understanding and avoid negative relationship patterns in the future.
Follow these steps to reflect on your relationship patterns and avoid them in the future:
- Reflect upon your past relationships – consider what went wrong in your previous relationships. Try to be honest with yourself about what you expected from the relationship, what your partner was unable to give you and what who were unable to give to them.
- Consider your childhood experiences – consider both family and social relationships throughout your early life and young adulthood. Try to link these experiences to your adult experiences and consider any similarities. Alternatively, have you found yourself acting in ways to avoid replicating childhood patterns? For example, someone who experienced bullying as a child and fears being taken advantage of as an adult, may avoid getting close to new partners. These partners may eventually leave due to a lack of intimacy.
- Decide what you want from future relationships – think about both intimate and social relationships and decide what you want. Then consider how you may need to alter your behaviour to ensure you get your needs met. Knowing what needs you have that haven’t been met in the past is the first step towards future happy relationships.
- Communicate – when you enter into a new relationship try to be as honest as possible with your new partner or friend. Explain, as much as you feel comfortable doing so, what your previous relationships have been like and how you want your relationship with them to be different.
- Remain mindful of your behaviour and feelings – it is easy to find yourself slipping back into well-worn behavioural patterns. The key to avoiding repeating the cycle again is to remain aware of your behaviour and your feelings. If you find yourself behaving in a way that feels familiar, or you are experiencing your partner as being similar to a previous partner stop and reflect on this. Consider whether either yourself or your partner are acting in response to past experiences. If so, try to focus on what is actually happening in the room.
The ability to separate what is happening presently and what is being brought up from the past is a difficult skill and may be one you need professional support in developing. Here at Morency we can support you in developing those skills and working towards happier relationships. If you would like to discuss negative relationship patterns call Dr Julie Hannan now on 07530 854530.